Getting Serious About Child Training
January 30th, 2010Chris and I have a well established habit of getting passionate about something, way overdoing it, and then eventually forgetting it altogether. These things vary from eating healthy, to keeping a stringent house schedule, and to child training. Recently, I have been changing my thinking about a lot of things, not allowing myself to be negative, listening to helpful criticism, receiving compliments, taking pride in my successes, and not focusing on failures. I am taking a slower approach to better habits, rather than dumping myself directly into them. It is helping me in so many ways, and I know that eventually, if I follow the path I’m on now, I can become the person I know I have the potential to be.
One of the things I am working on is my interaction with and reaction to the girls. I read an article today from, you guessed it, No Greater Joy, my favorite family ministry. I’ve even printed off the article so that I can reread it and share it with others easier.
The article is called “Child Training Marathon Revisited” and here are a few excerpts that are key for me and I want to remember:
Being cautious of his “touchy” emotional state, they resorted to pleading and reason, explaining how “they really did love him” and how he was “not a bad person.”
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The father, hardly looking at the dog, commanded him to go downstairs. He didn’t raise his voice, and there was no anger. He spoke with firm authority, expecting the dog to obey without further word or attention. The dog took off downstairs like he had just heard from God.
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“Quit asking,” we would say, “Tell him what to do, and put a little toughness in you voice.” Then we would tell her, “Don’t tell him again; respect your own word; get your switch and apply it right where he stubbornly sits; ignore his self-pity. Don’t assure him of your love; assure him of your authority. You are in the right; put your shoulders back and act like a commanding officer whose word is final. Do not negotiate or explain. Mother, take the whine out of your voice, and put some steel in your posture. Stay calm, but unmoving.”
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By the end of the week, he was expressing more love and appreciation for his mother than ever before. He began to admire her rather than see her as a weakling he could control.
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After reading our book, on several occasions the parents had attempted to exert their authority and hold out against his demands, but this tough little campaigner had always endured.
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So I told the daddy to tell the boy that he would not be allowed to sit in his mother’s lap, and that he was to stop crying.
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The mother was ready to come up with a compromise. “He was hungry. He was sleepy. He was cold.” Actually, he was a brat, molded and confirmed by parental responses.
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I said “No; you told him he was to stop crying immediately or you would spank him; he waited until you began stopping. He has not obeyed; he is just beginning to show confidence in your resolve. Spank him again and tell him that you will continue to stop and continue to spank until you get instant compliance.”
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This time, after the spanking, when Daddy gave his command, the boy dried it up like a paper towel. The parents had won, and the boy was the beneficiary.
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The child concludes: There is a new order; Father is consistent; he always means what he says; I cannot win; there is no alternative to instant obedience. Get smart, be a survivor, just say no to self-will.
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I said, “Tell him to dry it up instantly and to start smiling.” When she commanded him, he immediately stopped crying and gave a faked smile that quickly turned to a sincere one in reflection to the delight on his mother’s face. I never will forget. She started laughing with absolute abandonment.
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As long as the parents don’t revert to their old responses, the child won’t revert to his.
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Our object in spanking is not to cause the child to so fear the pain that he obeys. It is to gain the child’s attention and give him respect for the parent’s word.
